Have You Considered a Dating Service?

The one and only thing we can all be certain of is that from this point forward Dr. York is completely responsible for the fate of the 49ers. Not salary cap hell. Not injuries. Not a the new coach. Not the new GM. Not the assistants. Just him. What transpires from here on out is the absolute and irrefutable responsibility of co-owner Dr. York. With only one addition, Denise Debartolo-York controls the horizontal and vertical and she can decide to change the channel on this wretched reality TV show. But at the moment we have to face another season of uncertainty. What can we do about it?

I’m often prodded to make constructive suggestions as opposed to nihilistic portrayals York’s stewardship, by my better half. Assuming that by “constructive” she means “reasonable suggestions that York may actually consider short of selling the team”, I’ll give it a shot. Dear Dr. York …

1. Have yourself and your coaching candidates take an e-Harmony Personality Profile. You like computers and as you are about to go through the psychological and financial hell of yet another miserable season, you better know who you’re in bed with.
2. Get a new hobby. Your frivolous football fete is getting tiresome. Hire a real NFL executive, step away and pursue something more in line with your real talents. You enjoy being cheap. Maybe you should buy a few South American sweatshop and get your kicks squeezing a few more Kathy Lee Gifford sweaters from the labor after hours.
3. Start reading the paper. Ann and Ira are so much better at the constructive suggestion thing than I am, you may actually learn something. At least read Doonesbury, because your life is going to get so sad next year, you’ll need one laugh a day to keep from blowing your brains out.

The saddest part about our current situation is that next year is quite likely to be as horrible as this year. No 1st round draft pick, new head coach or new GM is likely to transform York into the owner he needs to be to bring us a winning season much less a SuperBowl.