Allowed vs. Not Allowed

There’s been a fair bit of falderal lately about “security” at Monstrous Park, and no small amount of press attention to some unfortunate fans who’ve been mistreated when attending games and expressing their point of view about their team’s present owner.

So Dump Yorkers, just to keep us all on the straight and narrow, I’ve reprinted below a list (taken directly from the KerYorkian Niner website itself, of items you can carry into Monster Park when you go to a Niner game, with a little commentary thrown in from yours truly.

So let’s review what you are allowed to bring/wear to a game:

The following items ARE permitted in the stadium during 49ers games:

--Small purses or fanny packs measuring less than 14" x 14" x 4"

Haven’t seen anyone wearing a fanny pack measuring wider then 14”, although some Bunker ne’ere-do-wells I know could probably manage it.

--Plastic grocery type bags and/or clear plastic zip-lock bags

OK, so Hunter can put a plastic bag over his head, but not a paper grocery bag. Oh, those Niners’ brass—so community-minded. After all, it’s much safer for the lad to have a plastic bag over his head, right? Uhhhh…..

--Seat cushions approximately 14" x 14" x 4"

So they fit into the above-mentioned purses.

--Plastic bottles (sealed) and thermoses (no alcohol)

--Cameras and video equipment (no lights, tripods or monopods)

No monopods (pointy!), but you can bring an umbrella in if you want! (see below)

--Food and fruit (must be cut into pieces)

‘Cause you never know when a rogue fan is going to pull a fast one using an apple! And don’t bring it in a paper sack or else!!!

--Flags (No Poles)

Interesting….no measurements noted here. Seems to me that means there isn’t a limit to size, then, yes? (Note to self—ask Santa for a bigger Dump York banner for Christmas.)

--Blankets

Right—‘cause there’s as much chance of getting butts into seats in that dump without allowing blankets as there is of Jose Cortez winning the Len Eshmont…

--Strollers**

--Umbrellas*

*Umbrellas are allowed in the stadium, provided they do not obstruct another fan's view or pose any safety hazard.

OK, I have to cut my fruit up, but I can bring in a sharp, pointed object as long as it doesn’t block anyone’s view? Don’t umbrellas pose a safety hazard by definition? Can I fly my gigantic banner from it?

**Please contact the nearest usher if you are in need of storing a baby stroller.

Unless it’s a “Dump York” baby stroller. In that case, the Niners Gestapo will tell you to take yourself and your no good, stinkin’ kid back to the car, or dispose of it and him/in in the nearest trashcan.

That’s the rundown, friends and neighbors…just you remember it. And remember to wear either of your Dump York shirts, last year’s or this year’s (http://dumpyork.com/shirt.html) proudly--especially to Niner games. Remind anyone that gives you crap about it that we are 49er Faithful as ever, but Faithless in York!