Dear Mr. And Mrs. Scrooge (York):
Suffering
through last Sunday’s debacle with a new level of amazement and dismay
at how
completely terribly the Niners played their game against the Bears last
Sunday,
brought my true wish for Christmas this year into even clearer focus.
This is a
shot for you guys to really be Santa Claus this year, proving the
denizens of
the Dump York Bunker along with your countless other detractors wrong,
and
putting this website out of business for good.
IN THE NAME
OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SELL THE TEAM!
After all,
this is the season of giving, right? Not that you would know, you
goddam
cheapskates. I’m sure you have all ten of your little VPs working on
how to cut
corners on this year’s Christmas party budget after being so generous
last
year. If there is a way to make the children of Niner players feel even
more
deprived this year than last, when you wouldn’t let their fathers even
bring
them to the party, I’m sure they’ll figure it out. Lumps of coal and
switches
are always on sale at Wal-Mart, and will really convey the level of
non-feeling
you have for your players and Niner fans.
If you
won’t sell the team, then may I please have the following?
1.
A
head coach who goes by something other than the Pollyanna Principle
that “everything
is going to be just fine—really!!”
2. A
competent GM that can help said head coach convince you to pull your
head and
your checkbook out of your posterior;
3. An
offensive coordinator that actually functions in some discernable way,
eventually leading to no. 4;
4. An
offensive touchdown sometime before I die, possibly thrown by—
5. A real
quarterback.
6. And, finally, a season akin to
something other than watching a three hour, slow motion car accident.
Sell the
team, Mr. And Mrs. Scrooge! Then you can bow out and go back to doing
whatever
it was you did before you came to the Bay Area and made the once-proud
Forty
Niner franchise into the laughingstock it is today. Don’t go away mad,
don’t go
away bitter, keep your money, your wife, your impotence, your
ineptitude, and
your crushing stupidity — keep it all.
Endless Wal-Mart sales fairly loom before you,
and you’ll have all the
time in the world, because you won’t have to spend it figuring out new
ways to
beat this poor, practically dead franchise.
Just get
permanently, completely, lost.
Posted -
November 15, 2005
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